In case you missed this in the regular season, here are the match reports of the Sunday 2nd XI games - unedited.
Produced by skipper Simon Wright & Reporter Simon Hudd
Sunday April 30th 2006
Blackheath v Irving Venue - Samuel Montague Youth Club, Broadwalk
The dawning of a new cricket season started a week late due to last weeks season
opener against Bexley Park falling foul of the weather, so a blank week was
hastily filled with a fixture against a very keen Blackheath eleven. Steve was
greeted by Simon Hudd, the 'Heaths' captain and a trudge out to the middle was
welcomed with the sight of a pea green wicket and a lush outfield, up went the
coin and as per Steve's luck with important calls, he guessed wrong and was
put into bat in a 40 over per side match.
With his usual partner in crime Chris Alsemgeest still out there somewhere perusing
the streets of Eltham, Steve opened with the normally able Roger Dev, but a
lack of pre season knocks in the nets showed as he chipped his 3rd ball back
over the bowlers head and straight into the hands of their Captain at mid-off
for a disappointing first duck of the new campaign. Matty Barrett was rushed
in as the Alsemgeest watchman, and with Steve started to build a useful stand
pushing the score up to 32 off the first 10 overs, but a change of bowlers from
both ends saw the scoring dry up and after facing 17 balls without a run Steve
in desperation chased an out-swinging delivery and skied an easy catch to cover
and was out for 23. Chris and Neil had since finished their kerb crawling antics
and Alsemgeest senior joined Matty at the wicket but the very next over Matty's
stubborn resistance lasted no further when a low edge just carried through to
their keeper and was out for 4. Last years player of the season Neil joined
his father, but with the bowlers now well on top only managed to creep the score
up to 41 before an in-swinger beat the gate between bat and pads and clipped
the stumps and he was out for 3. Kevin Brooks like Roger lasted only 3 balls
before he mistimed a shot and chipped an easy catch to mid-off for a duck.
Dave 'Biffo' Barrett joined Chris and painstakingly began a revival against
the very accurate bowling attack of the Blackheath change bowlers. Meanwhile
back on the steps of the pavilion Sturty embarked on a reminisce to the great
days of the women's hockey matches at Wembley, screaming school girls, short
skirts and navy blue knickers, how his mind wondered onto that subject one can
only ponder, but his excitement transferred out to the middle as Chris and Biffo
started to chance their luck and put on a constructive stand of 36, before Biffo
pulled a short ball straight to mid-wicket, the fielder thinking the ball was
hit harder than in was, found the ball lodged in his hands. With biffo out for
14, Tom Seamons joined Chris at the non-strikers end but was run out in the
most unfortunate way, Chris smashed the ball past Tom to mid-on, Tom set off
sharply without a call, and before Chris could send him back, the agile fielder
threw down the wicket with a laser like throw before Tom had chance to cross
and was therefore run out for a duck without facing a single delivery. Peter
Wilkes dependable as ever tightened up the tail end, Chris was eventually bowled
for 20 and Peter Guppey came and went in a flash also being bowled but without
troubling the scorer. At 87 for 9 Michael Sturt bonded with Peter Wilkes as
these two took the score past the 100 with four great boundaries the pick being
Sturty's on drive through mid-wicket that raced across the fertile outfield
with the fielders looking on in disbelief, the only scare came when with Pete's
desperation to get down the non-strikers end for the last couple of balls, he
forgot it wasn't Linford Christie down at the other end and with a better throw
or gather by the wicket-keeper Michael would have been easily run out. With
16 and 11 not out these two saw Irving to a more than anticipated 108 for 9
at tea.
Bacon rolls were the speciality on the very filling menu which was devoured
before Irving ambled out to the field to defend a very meagre total. Guppey
was given choice of ends but chose the downhill run up and couldn't get to grips
with it and produce a string of full tosses and no balls, but after going for
26 runs in little more than 3 overs, he took an instinctive caught and bowled,
the ball was driven back at him, it hit the outstretched hand a looped up in
the air with just enough buoyancy for him to turn round and get both hands on
the ball, Michael Sturt dismissed the other opener caught at point by Steve
Wilkes and when Michael bowled the no.3 batsman in the very next over, the game
was finely balanced, but the Aussie no.4 took a likening to Sturty's medium
pacers and put the poise firmly back with the home side.
Two quick wickets by Michael, the first an impressive stumping by Chris Alsemgeest
and then an easy catch at mid-on by Peter Guppey, this followed by Steve Wilkes
bowling their skipper with his first delivery had the 'Heath' reeling at 66
for 6, and an unexpected win looked on the cards. But the two experience batsman
at the crease had other ideas and even though Matthew Barrett was bowling well,
and Steve's first 6 overs were all maidens, these two never looked like making
the all important break through, and the batsman were biding their time in the
knowledge that both were coming to the end of their spells. With the enforced
change, first Biffo then Tom and then Guppey's second spell, Tony Pope and James
Tootel edged Blackheath pass the 108 needed for victory with just six overs
to spare finishing not out 24 and 21 respectively.
Irving were 30 runs short of setting a realistic winning score, but kept the
game interesting due to Michael Sturt's impressive bowling spell, taking wickets
at important times to finish with sterling figures of 4 for 25, Blackheath were
a friendly bunch and were very relieved to have come out on top in a low scoring
match and hopefully will be added as an enjoyable fixture in coming seasons.
Match Report
Blackheath v Blue Star (Home - sort of) - Sunday 4 September 2005
Blackheath (192 - 8) beat Blue Star 176 all out by 16 runs
A hard-working win for Blackheath after a less than ideal start.
There are few lovelier places to play cricket than the Catford Superdome which
is similarly anarchic to the New Orleans Superdome (the main differences being
that the former is dustier and the latter has better toilet facilities). Under
a sponsorship deal, the ground's sightscreens are provided by Stagecoach.
On a hot, humid day Wrighty won the toss and to the relief of team mates chose
to bat thus denying Nid his dream of a three wicket win. Despite an elegant
off-side stroke masterclass from Sasi (25), Blackheath stumbled to 60 for 5.
This season the side has frequently gone into games with a long batting line-up
without it necessarily firing. However, led by Yorkie (68), who passed 50 for
the third time this season, Blackheath were able to recover to post a competitive
total of 192 - 8. Yorkie, who took more blows than Bill Clinton early in his
innings, hit 12 fours in his innings which kept Blackheath in the game. He was
supported by Nid (30) in a sixth wicket partnership which added more than 50.
When Yorkie was out his good work was carried on by Nid and a fired up and dehydrated
Collo who made 44* at more than a run-a-ball. Having made Blue Star work hard,
Blackheath had posted a competitive total.
Monster and Turtle got the bowling off to a perfect start with tight opening
spells. Turtle removed both opening batsmen and Monster (0 - 19 off eight) was
his usual economic self. While test bowlers sign autographs on the boundary,
Monster chooses to do 'dot-to-dot' puzzles - the only problem being that when
he finishes them he's not got a picture of a tiger or a ship but a giant 'M'.
Never mind...
Blue Star stayed in the hunt throughout their innings despite requiring over
six an over after the tidy opening spells. Nid (3 - 46) removed three of the
middle order before going for air miles at the expense of a free-hitting number
seven. Wrighty (2 - 43), however, was to get the key wicket after Blue Star
had reached 157 - 6 when he bowled said big hitter with a ball which turned
and bounced. However, the game remained tight when Blue Star required 18 from
17 balls with three wickets in hand...
At this stage we saw the catch of the season. Collo, who bowled a tidy three
over spell at the death (1 - 14) saw Blue Star's number eight smite a stright
ball in the direction of mid-wicket. No worries as Wrighty was out on the midwicket
boundary for just such a stroke... but what's this? He's wandered in to no-man's
land...the ball is flying over his head but then Michael Jordan-like he jumps
into the air and takes a screaming one handed catch to his left in mid-air(rumours
of a Nike Air Wrighty trainer are unconfirmed). A distraught text message from
Andrew Strauss after the game read "Thx 4 taking my catch of ssn award
you bstrd".
Following that catch, Turtle returned to mop up the tail and finish with an
impressive 4 - 28 to complete a win by 16 runs. This was a hard-fought victory
although the writer is desperate to have a similarly close win batting second.
Please Wrighty you know what you have to do...
The Spanner went to Lavo for a litany of sins (according to a naked Barra).
Choosing which incident was the key one would be like picking Harold Shipman's
best murder :)
Man of the Match in a game of good performances went to Yorkie (it had to after
he hit a reverse sweep for four).
MATCH REPORT
Sunday 14th August.
Blackheath vs Grenfel.
Grenfel 146 all out. Blackheath 3 for 147 off 36.
A hard fought win for the Sunday 2's.
Having been beaten on all previous meetings with Grenfel, this game was a personal grudge match for skipper Lambchops.
The last engagement at Catford held bitter memories of dropped catches, batting collapses, drunken abuse from fat slags and party go-ers, crowd punch ups, drug abuse on the sidelines and dodgy characters looking to steal anything not nailed down.
Therefore, it did not bode well when we turned up to witness an old bloke in a poo brown suit chasing a young girl around the outfield. At first I thought this was the Grenfel version of the infamous Blackheath paedo...but later investigations revealed the girl had run up behind the old codger and given him a slap around the head.
Fantastic.
The rain came down as we were inspecting the pitch. A strip that appeared to be a drop in pitch imported straight from Chernobyl. Its bilious green tinge encouraging me to want to bowl first. I'm sure the groundsman was from the famous Portuguese Nandos Cricket Team...his response to Collinson's enquiries being "Creeee-kit? Tooo-day?" further steeling me to want to bowl first on what could be a crap wicket.
After a few changeroom injuries caused by tennis ball cricket and a slippery floor (no names mentioned, eh, Yorkie and Collo?) we lost the toss and fielded first.
Sam Hart 1 - 30 odd off 6 took a while to warm up, but once he got going managed a great caught and bowled, as well as applying the pressure to enable Geoffa Williams to breakthrough at the other end 1 - 11 off 6. Geoffa bowled really well before "doing his groin"...perhaps a result of several weeks of overseas holidays?
Monster 1 - 35 off 8 and Collo 0 - 29 off 8 kept the oppo's most dangerous batsmen relatively quiet. Though, some crap fielding conceded more runs than necessary.
The Turtle again selflessly raised his hand to take on the 'uphill into the wind' task....and bowled magnificently. 1 - 9 off 5 were figures even Monster had to grudgingly nod his head at.
For reasons we can only guess at, Lambchops thought this was the time to bring himself on for some nude legspin. So, donning his black mask, Wrighty proceeded to burgle 5 - 25 off 6. 2 wickets from rank full tosses and 2 from inexperienced batsmen. What a tinny bastard. The only proper wicket was from the first ball. Honestly, it turned a mile! Heheh.
Chasing 146 could have been disatrous, but Pope 24 and Eliot did a good job opening up. With the fall of Eliot, enter Hound Dog. Nodding like a dog statue in the back window of an East LA latino's Cadillac, Yorkie played a great innings for 50 n.o. Ruba 44 was at his sublime best...those wrist flicks flying to the boundary. A job well done by batting properly.
The only worries while batting were the local pikey kids trying to steal our kit. With one umbrella wielding hoodlum invading the scoring booth, Lambchops and Collo lost the plot and went after them. Collo manhandling a helmet off one of the little scumbags, and Wrighty frogmarching the offenders off the pitch and back to the crack smoking broken homes from which they were spawned.
This year's party at the clubhouse was a tame affair, with reggae " I love Jesus " tunes blasting out was a nice contrast to last year's Top of the Pops drug and booze fuelled orgy. However, the fire service turning up was rather amusing.
The Spanner went to Eliot for his crap fielding...though Yorkie was a strong contender for slogging a ball from the sidelines out onto the square.
Man of the Match has to be a shared affair. Yorkie and Ruba were fantastic in their batting and getting us over the line.
Over and out.
'chops.
Blackheath v Godstone Green at Godstone Green - Sunday 31 July 2005
Godstone Green (69 all out) lost to Blackheath (70 - 3) by seven wickets
An efficient victory on a pudding of a pitch.
Blackheath won the toss and chose to bowl on a wicket resembling a swamp. Collo
got Blackheath off to a good start with 3 - 11, Turtle (1 - 24) bowled manfully
up the hill without a Sherpa and Andrew Alsbury took two wickets in an eventful
over. Yorkie did a very good day's work in the filed taking two catches and
getting a run-out. Monster (1 - 13) and the Nid (2 - 15) fought over the last
three Godstone wickets like teenage girls over the YTS guy at the Bacardi Breezer
factory.
Dismissing Godstone for 69 was a good, not to mention innuendo-laden, effort
but represented a job only half done. The pitch seemed to calm down a little
but lack of pace made runs hard to come by. To that end Wrighty and Pygmy (a.k.a.
Blocker and Son) set up the win beautifully getting the team half-way there.
It was good to have Pygmy scoring and sledging on the pitch again rather than
on the sidelines injured. When Wrighty (14) fell to a brilliant catch at long-on
it meant only one thing...
Enter the Barra. In a display of pre-innings theatrics, Barra removed the lid
from the red biro in his bag and handed it to the scorer. Looking over his shoulder
on the way to the crease he shouted to his team mates pitch-side "This
one's for the average."
It is rare that Japanese Bullet Trains, Concorde, and asteroids are made to
look pedestrian but in the gloom of a July afternoon, the Nid redefined speed
when he raised the finger to give the hapless Barra (12) out LBW. The speed
with which the finger was raised caused some to claim he must have got a "flyer"
- starting the finger's elevation as the bowler ran in. Either way NASA are
conducting tests on said digit to see whether, as is rumoured, it can inspire
technology which will bring day trips to Mars within reach.
Hitler, Stalin and Pol Pot were undoubtedly evil men but they never gave an
LBW decision so heartbreaking, so gut-wrenching as the one given to Barra yesterday.
To the annals of injustice - the Birmingham Six, the Guildford Four can now
be added the Godstone One. Last night the UN Security Council met in emergency
session and passed resolution 60/1a condemning the decision as "a violation
of Barra's inviolable right to be given not out, especially when he does that
little shuffle after the ball hits him in line". Though Kofi Annan has
yet to see footage of the decision he said "Reports suggest the Barra was
shaking his head with almost as much vigour as the Nid raised the finger - unless
the UN intervenes this situation could become another Balkans, Israel/Palestine
or Batman and the Joker." Annan added wryly "With two Jokers."
Barra, who was available for comment after the decision, said "it would
be churlish of me to question the umpiring conduct of a gentleman such as Mr
Hudd. However, in this case I'd like to state on the record that you give some
b*stards a white coat and they think they're Clint f*cking Eastwood."
The Nid has refused to step into the row insisting that his finger does all
the talking for him. Sources close to Hudd, however, confirmed he was operating
a "shoot to kill" policy: "Barra had already hit one six which
could have done conversational damage in the bar after the game and the Nid
was determined that it shouldn't happen again."
Enough digression.
Pygmy was dismissed for a gritty 22 (which was worth at least 23 on a better
wicket) with Blackheath just four runs short of victory. It is difficult to
imagine a less Australian deck than yesterday's where it was more difficult
to pull than at an Abstinence Convention. So in the end a win by seven wickets
represented a job well done.
The Spanner
In an utter fiasco, Monster forgot to bring the Spanner and the nomination process
was abortive. The consensus seemed to be that the Nid got it for his Monster
Tribute eight-ball-over. Some, however, felt they'd seen it all before, Monster
himself claiming his copyright on "overs containing between seven and nine
balls" had been infringed. The Nid fears the weight of ironmongery around
his neck.
Man of the Match
For top-scoring on a very ordinary pitch, setting up the win and delivering
sledges to which the Nid could only respond by second class post, Pygmy.
Till next time,
Nid
Blackheath v Lamorbey Park (away) - Sunday 10 July 2005
Lamorbey Park (118 - 6) beat Blackheath (89 all out) by 29 runs
Another defeat by less than thirty runs on a pitch which kept the batsmen honest.
There are several classic match-ups in the cricketing world - England versus Australia at the MCG, India versus Pakistan at Eden Gardens and Blackheath Sunday 2nd XI versus Lamorbey Park at the Duck Shit Oval, New Eltham.
There have been many bowlers down the years whom legend states could pitch a ball on a sixpence six balls out of six. Replace sixpence with duck shit and all bowlers at this ground last year had a chance to test their accuracy. The only problem was knowing which piece of duck shit to hit. So confused was Dave Marston by this dilemma that he elected to hit the Nid one from one in 2004. Pimp Daddy chose to celebrate that yesterday by making a welcome and eventful return to Blackheath colours.
Sadly, yesterday’s match, moved from the Rectory presumably on the grounds that it was “too safe”, was played on a Sabina Park tribute wicket. The ground even had its own ambulance bay. And powder blue, hurricane ravaged sightscreens.
Blackheath’s bowling and fielding display was disciplined throughout and though the wicket was helpful to the bowlers, Enforcer’s 8-5-5-2 was self-parodying in its miserliness. The Enforcer (a nickname by which he is only known in these match reports which may defeat the object) was deep into his fourth over before he conceded a cheeky single. A distraught Longstaff begged the skipper to be taken out of the attack after that disappointment but thankfully was persuaded to carry on. Another classy display of bowling from the most economical bowler in the side.
Tootel, uphill trundler extraordinaire, also put on a fine display taking 2 (or 3)-19 after initially struggling with the lack of hill to climb on his approach to the crease. Maybe he’ll get the chance to use his climbing equipment again in a fortnight. TV star Popey pouched a couple of catches watched by celebrity friends Mick Jagger, Eric Clapton and Crazy Frog.
That was very much a case of job half-done as Lamorbey Park are a good bowling side, or at least a decent bowling side with a hellish wicket on which to bowl. Wrighty and Yorkie’s investment in lids was justified as both took blows to the head. Sasi “Cabriolet” batted with a soft-top and merely had to cope with one in the throat. His innings was a brave one, a feature of which was a determination to get forward on a spiteful pitch against an opening bowler who was considerably more aggressive than his canal-faring-boat namesake*. Wrighty and Yorkie also batted well.
Having seen off 14 overs from the opening bowlers for the loss of just three wickets, Blackheath had kept themselves in the game but were to be undone by their inexperience against spin bowling. Lamorbey’s leg spinner bowled 8-0-13-3 and probably turned the game irreversibly in favour of his team.
Earlier in the season, Nid played in a match against the same oppo in which he hit what quickly became known (between him and Popey at least) as “the Birmingham Six” - a six over midwicket which, in a terrible injustice, was signalled four. That bitter memory (it seems Nid has plenty of these) was almost erased yesterday with a steepling straight six. Nid made 25 but in the cold light of Monday morning chooses not to recall his mode of dismissal (give it a couple of weeks and the Match Report will be like Nid’s Pravda if that hasn’t happened already ).
Once again in a run chase Blackheath fell just short and failed to bat out their overs - this week six overs went unbowled by Lamorbey. Next season with the prospect of league cricket, these are the type of games we need to find a way to win. That said, it was good to get out of the game without any of our team making use of the ambulance bay.
The Spanner
Sometimes a bowler finds a wicket he’d like to carry around with him because it’s a joy on which to bowl . If the Spanner was the equivalent of a five-fer, then Pimp Daddy would surely want to carry the Lamorbey Park sports grounds around with him. Last season he concussed the Blackheath opening bowler but this year he produced something on a different level. Nid is currently seeking a publishing contract to write “Pimp Daddy - Anatomy of a Catch” as there are few pieces of Dave’s anatomy that the ball didn’t make contact with in the time between the batsman hitting a dolly to him and his taking the catch five minutes later.
First it was hands, then midriff and then it’s all a bit of a blur as a panicky Pimp Daddy searched for the ball as desperately as a 29 year old nudist virgin going on a Club 18-30 searches for his passport in a hailstorm. The ball finally emerged from Pimp Daddy’s thighs (you wanna see what he can do with a ping-pong ball).
It may seem harsh to award a spanner for successfully completing a catch but this was a catch in three acts. After that catch, the rest of the team produced a lacklustre display of spannerishness, but sometimes you just have to say “too good”.
If someone else wants the Spanner against Lamorbey Park next year they’re gonna have to earn it.
* His surname was Barge.
Blackheath v John Fisher (away) - Sunday 3 July 2005
Blackheath (202 - 4 declared) flippin' murdered John Fisher (136 - 7). Match
Drawn.
A timed match, unusually so for the Sunday 2nd XI, dominated by Blackheath
and sartorial mishaps.
Blackheath won the toss and chose to bat on a good pitch. Once again,
Wrighty and Pope ("Call me Miss Pope") got us off to a good start
putting on
79 for the first wicket. Popey started steadily and some questioned whether
his TV commitments were interfering with his cricket but he made a useful 26
(this week in Hello! Anthony Pope invites readers to see his beautiful swipe
across the line). It is rumoured that Pope's dressing room demands were more
unreasonable than J- Lo's on Top of the Pops.
Back to the cricket. Wrighty made a solid 41 featuring some impressive
square cuts before the team suffered a mini-collapse to be reduced to 80 -
3. Ruba made a stylish 19 featuring four beautifully timed boundaries.
Yorkie and Nid then saw the team past 200 with a partnership of 80-odd.
Yorkie played his best innings of the season leaving his paddle in the
locker and hitting one superb lofted off-driven six (good job Popey rather
than Barra was umpiring as the latter would have given him out LBW) as well
as several other lusty blows. The innings was flawless save for his decision
to wear a headband in the latter stages of his 59 not out. Nid, a vision in
powder blue, provided pastel support with a run-a-ball 19 not out. If only
doing the washing was so easy.
Crispy bowled an absolute beauty to take the first wicket when John Fisher
began their response but JF progressed to 64 in quick time before the next
wicket fell. From then on Blackheath dominated with good catches from Collo
and Crispy backing up some good attacking bowling. Collo bowled a
particularly impressive second spell in which he was on a hat-trick, got two
LBW decisions and bowled the opposition Number 8 for a duck. His second
spell, 4-0-12 -3 (final figures 3 - 40), gave Blackheath a real chance of
victory. Nid (2 - 21), Enforcer (1 - 27) and Crispy (1 - 25) offered good
support. Sadly, Blackheath were to be thwarted by doughty defence from the
opposition tail despite the most attacking fields Wrighty has been able to
set this season. Turtle found the edge on numerous occasions at the death
but none went to hand.
Blackheath stuck at their task manfully and played good pressure cricket for
their 36 overs in the field but fell just short of victory. Particularly
satisfying was the fact that runs came from different sources this week,
with Yorkie playing a gem of an innings and everyone chipping in (of which
more later). Barra, promoted to number three, was merely the victim of a
misinterpretation of Wrighty's instruction "not to hang around". In
limited
overs games, Blackheath's total would be sufficent to ensure victory against
most teams.
Now to the Spanner. When Nid removed his Blackheath shirt from the washing
machine on Thursday his spider senses tingled. Although he had four cricket
shirts to choose from, loyalty to the club badge meant he had to go with the
Laura Ashley one. He took a chance. However, when some of the other guys on
the team opened their boxes of hapless tricks, fears of receiving the
Spanner receded. Sadly the guy who took a pee on the boundary mid-over was
the incumbent. But if we can be serious for a moment, we should remember
Live 8. Let's just say that there are cricketers in Africa who cannot afford
to buy chips on the way to the game, keep their team mates waiting and deny
their bowlers another three or four overs to bowl the oppo out.
Despite Nid's cajoling and intimidation, Ruba stood firm and awarded him his
second Spanner of the season. These two now seem to be engaged in a Spanner
Cold War in which the promise of Mutually Assured Destruction means the rest
of the team holds its breath. At a time when the world is thinking about
unequal distribution of wealth, here's a statistic - 18% of the team's
players are winning more than 90% of the team's spanners. Somebody tell Bob
Geldof.
When the Nid asked Ruba for an entente cordiale, the latter came back from
the bar with a lime cordial. Moves are afoot to bury the hatchet and to stop
this game of Spanner tennis which does no-one (except Lavo) any good.
Enforcer was cruel enough to suggest that General Nidochet wanted to claim
Spanner Immunity on the grounds of a tidy all round display. This was the
same Enforcer who sat sockless in the bar, and who, as I write is probably
sewing shoulder pads into his cricket shirt to complete that Miami Vice look
for next week.
The future's bright, the future's POWDER BLUE.
Nid
Blackheath v A.C.C at the Rectory Field - Sunday 26 June 2005
A.C.C. (195 - 6) beat Blackheath (170 all out) by 25 runs
Another frustrating defeat by a small margin with plenty of factors which can
be looked at as the source.
Blackheath bowled tightly for 31 overs but conceded 83 runs off the last nine
to be left with a few too many to chase. However, a long batting line up meant
the target should not have been beyond them. Although the ground fielding was
generally tidy, several catches were dropped which had they been taken would
have eaten away at (or overturned) A.C.C.'s winning margin. Monster, who hereafter
shall be known as "The Enforcer", bowled eight overs for just 18 runs
and is consistently Blackheath's most economical bowler this season. Nid took
2 - 21 off six. Tooter put in his usual big effort in the field taking a good
boundary catch and wearing out his pedometer as he sought to cover every blade
of grass on the Rectory Field.
Collo provided some entertaining moments in the field claiming to have saved
four runs with a non-contact dive. His Jedi mind shit didn't serve him so well
at slip when he attempted to keep a ball in the air by using psychic powers
rather than catching it. He was later to be found in the bar trying to bend
spoons, defending his friend Michael Jackson while trying not to reveal his
jealousy at Yorkie's recent trip to Poland. September 1939, those were the days.
Dropped catches aside, the other blemish on Blackheath's display in the field
was the wides tally - 16. This was way too many and a step backwards after bowling
only one in the previous game at Holmesdale.
A.C.C. are a good bowling side and did not need the assistance provided by two
of our first three wickets falling to run outs. This is unforgivable as calling
is a basic requirement of batting not needing a huge amount of skill just cricketing
common sense. Quick singles require good calling and at least one of the run
outs occurred in the absence of any call. 33 - 5 became 66 - 6 when Popey's
solid resistance was ended. But Fergus was still there and perhaps therein lies
part of the problem - the Sunday Twos have become as reliant on him as the drummer
in an unsigned band is on his dole cheque. Fergus played a tremendous innings
of 83 in which only a handful of shots, be they attacking or defensive, failed
to come off the middle of the bat.
With Collo's support, Fergus almost got Blackheath into a winning position -
59 were needed off the last nine when he was out leaving Blackheath 137 - 7.
Collo (14) threatened to bat for 1000 years but was sadly out after 59 minutes
of sensible cricket to the next ball, leaving Blackheath 137 - 8. The only churlish
criticism that can be levelled at Fergus is about his rate of conversion of
50s to 100s (this is a joke, Fergus). And all this was achieved with a groin
strain - Fergus probably should have had a runner but given that the options
available yesterday must have seemed about as attractive as Long John Silver,
Benny Hill or Lynchie he did it himself. The Enforcer topped a fine all round
effort with a quick 17 including a couple of lusty blows but in the end Blackheath
were bowled out with two overs to spare leaving the foul-mouthed Nid stranded.
This defeat felt a lot worse than that against Holmesdale. There the team performed
well and were undone by a better team. This week dropped catches, too many wides
and two runs out of top order batsmen were factors the elimination of which
would have been more than enough to turn an annoying defeat to a good win. Even
after a dreadful start, Fergus, with sensible support from Popey and Collo,
came close to getting us there. Calling is one area to focus on next week as
it doesn't require a huge amount of skill but should be second nature (as is
pissing on the pitch to Wrighty). Not only is it important to avoid run outs
but it becomes even more crucial during the latter stages of a run chase when
there is almost a presumption of a run when ball makes contact with bat.
The Spanner went (controversially) to Ruba for calling a run from the boundary having been run out in the middle because he didn't call. Ruba is in the High Court this morning seeking an injunction preventing the Nid going within five feet of him with a spanner.
Man of the Match for his third successive big fifty went to Fergus. And he
should have got it the week before as well. With Fergus out next week everyone
will need to chip in with runs.
Special thanks to Pygmy for his diligent efforts with the scorebook.
Blackheath v Holmesdale CC (away) - Sunday 19 June 2005
Holmesdale (228 - 9) beat Blackheath (197 all out) by 31 runs
A good match, originally a 1st XI fixture, which the Sunday 2nd XI had to honour.
Holmesdale won the toss, batting in sweltering conditions and went off like
a train scoring at more than seven an over for the first dozen or so overs.
Their narcissistic opening bat made 93 (the kind of guy whose sex tapes feature
him playing with himself) and gave it some real tap before Nick Courtney trapped
him LBW to give him a bit more gym time. Eventually Blackheath restricted them
to 228 - 9. Geoff Williams played a blinder in the field (a catch and two run
outs) and bowled a tidy spell in the middle of the innings.
Nid took 2 - 36 (should have been three as their number three hit the cover
off the ball to Popey - umpire didn't hear it and said "I trust Dan to
walk if he nicked it." Batsman then told us during the drinks break that
he had nicked it but "It's not my fault if the umpire makes a crap decision.").
Fortunately, their number three batted like Boycott under sedation while their
opener spanked his 93. Fergus bowled aggressively to take 2 - 49.
Blackheath batted pretty well - Sasi made 32 opening up and the top order managed to see off the opening bowlers' allotted overs for the loss of three wickets. Fergus followed up last week's pyrotechnics with another quality knock (71) but was dismissed shortly after one of many drinks breaks when we looked as though we might challenge their total (Wrighty thought the drinks breaks made things far too easy but declined to wear a sweater in weather he probably thought cold enough to freeze the balls off a billiards table). Popey (who gave a flawless display behind the stumps) hit a run-a-ball 28 and Nid followed Sasi's example to hit 15 unbeaten runs without giving the leg-side fielders anything to worry about. Alas, it was all not quite good enough.
Blackheath's fielding was good (although we all need to concentrate and be aware of the match situation) given the conditions and there were even two slip catches. Overall this was a good performance against a young team with no passengers and featuring at least three Saturday 1st XI players. With two of Tooter, Monster, Carson or Collinson, Blackheath might have notched a very good win. So far this season we're proving to be a better second 20 overs team in the field - the last two weeks we've dragged it back after poor starts. Next week we need to maintain those standards for forty overs (hopefully less if we bowl the oppo out).
Edited highlights - Geoff's fielding, slip catches for Wrighty and Nid and Fergus smashing it all around the park again.
The Spanner went to Sasi for catching the wrong bus - or to use his words "the
right bus in the wrong direction". He also took second place for writhing
around on the boundary like a man bitten by a poisonous snake trying to grab
a bar of soap on a frozen lake (at least two dives to stop the same ball).
Man of the Match for his hard work in the field and tidy bowling when we were
under pressure goes to Geoff.
11th June - 2005
Blackheath vs John Fisher Lamgas at The Rectory
Blackheath 275 for 3 beat John Fisher 238 for 8
What a game! A crucial victory for the morale of the Sunday 2nd XI.
We won the toss and batted on a good batting track. Lambchops (32) and The
Pope (47) put on 88 for the first wicket, laying the foundation for
Baraccuda (68*) and Fergus (97....off 42 deliveries!!!) to go beserk.
Monster chipped in with a few at the end of the innings.
Fergus was devastating. Some of the biggest sixes seen at The Rectory!
Playing on the strip closest to the clubhouse, one of Fergus' sixes sailed
over mid on from the tennis court end to nearly land in the trees.
The Pope was a revelation! A very quiet start errupted into an attack that
included an over where he flayed the bowling for 3 fours in a row. If he had
of made his 50, I'm sure he would have been happier than an altar boy with a
Mars bar and can of Coke. As it was he was chuffed - and so were we.
Baraccuda was at his destructive best. His intelligent batting in feeding
the strike to Fergus probably as important as his 60 odd off 55 deliveries.
Our bowling and fielding was not the best. The pick of the bowlers was
Syril, with 1-33 off 7. A shaky start changed into a spell of accurate
bowling.
The Nid was fired up!! Anyone would have thought the oppo had admitted to
taking his mother out on a date the night before - he bowled with venom and
the odd expletive. Even his team mates felt it as he vented his bile at
dodgy fielding. His first ball yielded a wicket from his beloved fly slip
fielder. Fergus was the man with a screaming one hander.
Nid came through in the field with a brilliant run out.
Highlights were Fergus ABSOLUTELY SMASHING IT, The Pope's fine innings and
Baraccuda trying to out-do Barry Lee's six again!
The Spanner went to Ruba for requesting a urine sample from Fergus as he
strode back to the pavillion. He narrowly beat Lambchops to the honour -
throwing the ball into Turtle's head nearly sealing The Spanner for the
skipper.
Man of the Match....by popular demand....Fergus.
A win next week as sweet as this!
Out.
On Sunday Blackheath 2nds played Red Dogs, hoping to build on the
previous weeks success in Dulwich.
Red Dogs batted first and after a couple of early wickets for Collinson
(1/19) and Tootell (1/24) all seemed set for a low total to chase.
Unfortunately, the fielding traps refused to spring and a number of
dropped catches contributed to a 100 partnership for the 3rd wicket with
both batsmen reaching 50. A good comeback led by Longstaff (3/19) and
Dunning (1/14) removed them and prevented a late onslaught from the tail
meaning a total of 178 was the target for Blackheath to chase.
After the previous weeks heroics Yorke and Tootell resumed at the top of
the order. However, Tootell and then Longstaff fell in quick succession
putting Blackheath on the back foot. In form Yorke batted well before
falling for 27, with Carson (35) also hitting the ball well. However
both failed to go on for big scores meaning Blackheath still had some
way to go with the top 4 dismissed. Dunning (46) then batted brilliantly
with a number of partners including Michael Lynch (18) and the tail
wagged, but wickets continued to tumble as the run rate required
increased. Eventually the chase fell short by 16 runs, a frustrating end
to what should have been a realistic chase.
Dropped catches really cost us and gave us probably 50 too many to
chase....seems Wrighty's fielding training was counter productive!
Spanner to Collinson as some personal vendetta was unleashed by
Longstaff.
Hope for better luck next week against Tatsfield
'chops.
Hi Woodsy,
(Sunday 22nd August)
Blackheath Sunday 2's played The Earlswood Strollers at The Rectory.
Blackheath won by 7 wickets.
Earlswood all out for 111. Blackeath 2-112 in 36 overs.
It all looked good when I won the toss and put them in on a green pitch. The
opening bowlers set us up for a win by getting out the top 3 batters who
looked like they could go on to wreak havoc. Hound Dog Yorke held onto two
catches which pumped him up. Boy Collinson 1-14 off 8. Goffa Williams 3-22
off 8. Lambchops 2-26 off 8 was a bit expensive with some mediocre bowling -
thanks Eel.
The main thing was we stopped the ball in the field. and kept the pressure
on by stopping singles.
The batting was opened up by Elliot and Shaks, who put on a 69 run opening
stand. It was the highlight of the match for me, watching these two calmly
and responsibly go about opening the way it should be done. Shaks was great
with his loud, strong calls. Elliot 35, Shaks 23.
The rest was quickly gobbled up by Monster 21* and Eel 7* within about 10
overs.
Highlights of the match were a fat bloke from the rugby team chasing some
pikey kids into the bushes, Yorkie taking two catches to get rid of good
bats (and working up a mongrel in the process), Lambchop's Ricky
Ponting-esque run out (heh. i honestly couldn't see the ball), the
Barraccuda dubbing Hudd "The 'Nid", and us WINNING!
Remember what Sir Geoff says - "That's roobish. My grandmoother could
hit
that."
'chops.
Hi Woodsy,
Two reports in one this week. Been busy!
8/8/2004
Blackheath Over 25's vs Blackheath Under 25's.
Over 25's 153 all out. Under 25's 6 for 157.
The older guys batted first amidst the chatter of the young players. I think
someone should inform the younger players that sledging in a language that
the batsmen can't understand is a bit pointless...although Junaid's attempts
provided everyone with entertainment.
Lambchops (46), Dwayno (27) and Monster (25) made the runs against some
accurate bowling from the likes of a vicious Barry Lee 3-12 off 6 and
spinner Alex Senn 2-15 off 5. Shax managed to grab 2 wickets in an amazingly
no-ball scarce spell of bowling.
The Under 25's started out with a stutter against The Barracuda 3-38 off 8
and Voodoo Stevens. Dwayno and The Turtle picked up a wicket each. The
Turtle claiming the prize scalp of Warren Lee with what Turtle is now
touting as 'The Warren Ball' in imitation of Warney's Gatting Ball.
The young guys learned what sledging is all about with Pygmy in first slip
managing to talk several batsmen into giving away their wicket. Junaid
pleading with us to let him concentrate delighted all the fielders.
Then came Barry Lee (53 n.o) and Brasso (35 n.o)...polishing off the runs
with a well formed partnership. Barry Lee hit a MASSIVE six onto the tennis
courts!!! He danced down the pitch to Voodoo Stevens and creamed the cover
off the ball.
The Spanner went to Laverton for misfielding the ball....and then standing
with his arms crossed as the ball ran towards the boundary.
15/8/2004
Blackheath 2's lost to Dulwich.
Dulwich 7 for 137. Blackheath all out for 124.
We lost. Again. Basically, it was down to crap batting apart from the
reliable Monster.
We bowled and fielded really well on a dodgy looking pitch. Lauren picked up
3-15 and Joffa Williams snared 1-17.
The batting was terrible with only Monster and Jim Flemming forging what
could have been a match winning partnership. Monster dug in which irritated
the bowlers, and Flemming knocked the singles around.
The Spanner went to Trounce for terrible keeping and getting the ball in the
head via his 'Crocodile' keeping technique.
Highlights included Monster's dig, Laron showing us his dance moves to the
party music blasting out from the clubhouse across the park and Spiderman
Hudd's screamer of a catch.
Lambchops found a G.I. Joe figure at the ground, which was given to Hudd as
the Action Man award of the game for his catching exploits...and managing to
fall over in the field for no apparent reason.
Rear L-R Martin Longstaff, Laron Seqeria, Carson Brooks, Simon Hudd, David
Marston, Ruba Kanth
Seated L-R James Tootell, Tony Pope, Simon Wright (Capt), Peter McAndrew,
Jamie Trounce.
(Alt: Monster, Saffra, Barracuda, The Hudster, The Pimp, Rubes Spanner
Tooter / Turtle, Chester Beckham, Lamb Chops, Pygmy, Trounced)
Hi Woodsy,
1st August: Sunday 2's had a nail biting win against Godstone down in Godstone.
Blackheath 8 for 127. Godstone 7 for 126.
Again the upper order failed with the bat against some very tight bowling by
Godstone. It was up to Monster (46) and Laverton (25) with a 70 odd run
partnership to save Blackheath from humiliation. Monster dug in and would
not give away his wicket. Laverton batted superbly for a gritty 25. Without
these guys it would have been embarrasing.
The Pope and Collinson batted well at the end to push us over 100.
Our bowling and fielding was great under the leadership of The Turtle.
Crispy 1-24 off 7. The Pimp Daddy as efficient as ever with 0-26 off 7. The
Turtle - tighter than a fish's arse - 1-11 off 7. Monster at the death with
2-13 off 4. Laverton not letting anything through in the covers, and
Lambchops taking two catches.
The pick of the bowling was Collinson with 3-30 off 7.
Highlights of the day were Monster and Laverton batting like our lives were
in their hands, the cut out rabbit and duck boundary markers, birds with
very little on watching us play, the oppo captain buying us a jug, an umpire
who needed a seeing eye (guide) dog, and Collinson's 'electro drumming' in the
car
on the way home (someone please steal Pygmy's car radio!).
The Spanner went to Charlie (undeservedly I think) for dropping two very
difficult catches.
Well done on a win, Turtle.
Up the club!
'chops.
hi woodsy,
25th July: We played Tatsfield away, down in tatsfield where they have an amazingly
sloped pitch. Getting there was no hassle, though, to quote Tooter 'If you
hit Beaver World, you've gone too far.'
The only problem was we didn't go far enough.
Tatsfield 115 all out. Blackheath 76 all out.
The less said about this game, the better. Tooter 3-15, Marston 3-18, Crispy
2-37, Lambchops 2-13. We bowled and fielded really tightly.
The batting was crap. Absolute village. Except for Spiderman Hudd with 11
n.o everyone else was irresponsible.
Highlights were Jamie 'Hound Dog' Yorke taking the ball for walkies and four
runs, Dave 'Pimp Daddy' Marston's hilarious fielding attempts at belly
flopping the ball, and Elliot Pugh's embarrassing 'sledging'.
The spanner went to Yorkie for 'walkies', and falling over while batting.
Over and out.
'chops.
Hi Woodsy,
27th June: A rain affected game. It was looking ropey first thing Sunday morning
when
Redders pinched two of my batsmen!!! We played Tatsfield Village, who are a
great side to play. The guys are up for a laugh and a few beers and offer us
some competative cricket.
I lost the toss, AGAIN, and we were put in to bat. The ball kept low on a
green and spongy wicket. James 'Dravid' Tootell with a sheet anchor 22, Joe
'The Specialist' Pearce 37 and Carson 'Carsick' Brooks 16 helped Blackheath
post 106. A defendable total considering the conditions and the fact we were
a team stacked with bowlers!!!
The game was abandoned due to the weather. Some exciting changeroom cricket
was played, though, with Geoff Williams leading in the batting.
One of the Tatsfield guys bowled 6-9 off 8. Quality. Another bowled 1-10 off
8.
Highlights included Ruba promoted to the 1st team! Well done Rubes! Carson
pulling out his whites only to discover they were pink due to a very dodgy
wash, and Carson's impressions of an ape, resplendant in his Y fronts.
Hope we get a full game next week.
Hope you had a good Saturday Woods.
All the best
Simon.
hi woodsy,
13th June: Blackheath Sunday 2's played Blackheath Sunday 3's at Sam Montague.
Tootel's
Tooters batted first and made 87 on a pitch that was all over the place like
a mad woman's poo. Skipper Tooter made a solid 32 which included a world
class cut shot for four. Hudd stayed around for ages for a gritty 10.
Collinson 2-18 and Hart 3-24 were the pick of the bowlers. Stefan was
unplayable 1-14. Carson took a screamer off his own bowling 1-9. Lambchops
managed to bowl a bewildering 1-15.
Lambchop's Spanners got the runs in 27 overs. Joe Pearce bludgeoned a
quickfire 30 to cries of 'You slogger!' Charlie chipped in with a very
concentrated and solid 10*. Lambchops 29*. Geoff Williams 1-28 off 10 - very
classy bowling. Tooter 1-11, delighted to get Yorkie LBW. Hudd a vicious
1-22.
Highlights of the day were Ruba suddenly lashing out with a flailing
bat...and hence getting out. Tooter welcomed to the wicket by a densly
packed slips cordon. Tooter's cut shot for four which was re-lived time and
time again in the clubhouse after the match (beer had something to do with
this). Elliot's 'creative' sledging. Hudd's ball of the day hitting
lambchops in the chest and throat off a good length.
Spanner went to Ruba for some very irresponsible batting, walking around the
ground like a boy band member with his shirt off...and pre-empting him
getting wasted on a thimble full of lager.
'chops.
Sunday 2nd XI - Uncut, Un-Edited, Full Detail (As never seen before)
6th June vs Grenfell, away
The old adage " Catches Win Matches " couldn't be truer. We couldn't
hold
onto a basketball covered in superglue. The Sunday 2's haemmoraged 228 runs
to Grenfel. Approx 12 dropped catches. Joffa Williams was the "pick"
of the
bowlers with 1-40 off 10.
In reply Wright (43) and Yorke (23) were going great guns with a 75 run
opening stand. It went very poo-ey after that. We posted a reply of 145.
The game included a site screen sized woman claiming we couldn't play
cricket that day because of a party at the club, several pitch invasions
from drunken party go-ers of said party, and a punch up between some local
soccer lads.
Spanner went to Andy Cole for dropping two absolute sitters and a
wonderfully crafted 3 ball 6.
'chops
gday woodsy, here's the news:- 23rd May vs Gold Leaf at home
yes, another nail bighter at the rectory! it all came down to the last over,
and if we didn't have to make up 8 overs of bits-part bowlers, we would have
stuffed em. yes, my opening bowler decided it was all too much and went
home. gold leaf ended with 172 in reply.
we won the toss (oh my gawd!!!) and we batted. for once. we posted a
respectable 169. nice round number. this included an 80+ opening stand
between pygmy (58) and lambchops/wrighty (34). pygmy's innings included a
collision with the 'keeper and the best 'helicopter shot' i've seen in a
while. ruba showed us the rubamentaries of batting and flayed them for 48
runs, including a six onto the bar roof!
we were saved in the field by the appearance of husnan in full national
dress. so after 12 overs we finally had 11 men. tootel the turtle was
unplayable and unlucky 1-28. sanoon an inspiration with a great attempted
diving catch and some great bowling 1-21. cole bowled well 1-38. but, it was
dave 'the pimp daddy' marston who came through with the hoo-ers! 3-37
including the guy who looked like taking us apart. yorkie took FOUR
CATCHES!!! and a collision between pope and ruba. wrighty and pygmy took a
wicket each but went for more runs than is necessary to post here.
the spanner had to go to yorkie. even though he took four catches...in
typical sunday 2's style he dropped three, one of his celebration dances
involved him spinning around on the ground, and he wore his full batting get
up - including helmet - for about 5 overs waiting to bat before running
himself out before facing a ball. excellent!!
there you go woodsy, edit the crap out of it mate, i just love writing it!
'chops.